I’ve been giving it some serious thought over the last few months, and I have reached a very important decision. Given the current state of politics in America, I have concluded the only solution is for me to throw my hat into the ring. Yes, I am running for President of the United States.
And here is my first campaign promise. I promise to become corrupted by the power. I will give the biggest and best jobs to my friends. (Look at that, an honest politician!)
Here is my platform:
In order to increase the job force, work days will be lowered to six hours a day. This will create the need to hire more people to do the work that is currently being done. Those extra two hours a day will be used exclusively for reading. If you do not wish to read, you may continue to work your full eight hour shift. Those who regularly read mysteries will get an extra half hour off.
The Trixie Belden Mysteries series will be required reading in all third and fourth grade classes. To help facilitate that, all 39 original books will be reprinted, and new books will be published written by people who love this characters picked by me.
Ultimate Frisbee will be made the official sport of the United States. All other sports at all levels will be disbanded immediately and those resources used to promote this sport. Former professional athletes will not be allowed to play professional ultimate.
The first Saturday of every month will be Disney movie day. Every resident of the United States will watch at least one movie released by Disney Studios or a subsidiary they own. (This includes Pixar, Lucas Film, and Marvel Studios.)
The 25th of every month will be observed as a partial Christmas day. While it will not be a holiday, all radio stations will play Christmas music for that day. Christmas movies will be shown on TV. No gifts for Christmas are to be exchanged except in December. However, Christmas decorations are appropriate to be displayed if you so desire.
To help facilitate physical fitness, all those who wish to participate in mud runs will have a one run credit on their taxes each year.
I am still working on the rest of my platform. Feel free to post suggestions. Naturally, I reserve the right to accept and claim credit for or reject your suggestions.